11 October 2011

Save yourself 30 bucks and two hours you'll never get back... or Why Hollywood Sucks

So my husband is in the Navy and is currently on rotating shifts. This means for at least two weeks out of the month, he works the night shifts and I see him almost not at all. So to save my sanity and our relationship, I thought a good date night would be cool, even if we brought along his brother, the Kid.

Then I take a look at the current Box Office listings and what’s coming soon. Well then, eff the date night to the movies! I’ve known for a while that Hollywood has been going downhill, but this is just getting ridiculous.

Would you like to see a poorly done, “not a remake” remake? You could go to Dream House, but didn’t Amityville Horror just come out again in 2005? Or Piranha 3DD, but isn’t that just Lake Placid with fish where the crocodile used to be? (btw, what the hell is up with the extra D?) At least the new makers Footloose and The Thing have waited 20 years before butchering epic movies like Community Theater doing Shakespeare.

If I wanted to see that movie again, I would rummage through my mother’s VHS collection, not pay $20 for movie tickets.

How about a sequel? Nothing like taking a nearly awesome movie and running its name through the mud with endless, prosaic sequels and prequels.

Paranormal Activity, Underworld, and Shrek (with Puss in Boots): They’ve all done it again. Even Mission Impossible. Yes, that’s right. Not a remake: A sequel, including Tom Cruise in his sad attempt to salvage his movie career by riding on the merits of the past.

Now we come to the ones that really make me bonkers: the movies created from works of literature or children’s games. I could leave it at “Are they figgin’ serious?!” but what fun would that be?

Anonymous- (The story of how Shakespeare was bribed and blackmailed into putting his name on others work.) I get it; Shakespeare may have been a fraud. But seriously? How can they create an entire plot from this small rumor and expect it to be half worth watching. Especially since you either have read enough Shakespeare to get the (hopefully plentiful) references to his work and therefore know it’s almost entirely improbable, or you hate Shakespeare and shudder at the thought of sitting through a movie all about him. Not to mention there’s not a single recognizable face in the entire line-up: that’s promising.

Real Steel- (Washed-up boxer makes a boxing Robot.) Is it my imagination that this is a Rock’em Sock’em Robots meets Rocky movie? So really, it’s just another “not a remake” with special effects. Hugh Jackman may be a hottie, but I think his taste in roles is starting to turn. At least the Transformers crowd will get a change of scenery.

The Three Musketeers- (The King of France’s personal guards fight to save the world.) ARE THEY FRIGGIN’ SERIOUS?! I take they expect the general populous to have no idea what the book is about, or have never even seen the 1993 version. 1. They are not saving the world and running into giant boobie traps like Indian Jones! They are the pawns in a pissing contest between the king and the cardinal. 2. Lady DeWinter claims she wants to be a musketeer?!?!?! She was such an evil demon of a woman (direct quote!) that they had her head chopped off! And are we forgetting she’s Athos’s wife and he’s ready to kill her at first sight, not fight at her side? It may make me a book snob to hate this so much, but what a horrific bastardization of classic literature.

Most of what remains are Emo slit-my-wrist dramas and political, preachy snob-dramas.

So my choices are: Moneyball – a baseball movie that I most likely won’t understand – or Lion King 3D – now just $15 a ticket to relive the good days of your 1980s childhood.

How can I choose?

Guess its Dexter DVDs and microwave popcorn at home for us. I’m holding Hollywood personally responsible if I am forced to spend date nights at home for eternity. It’s just boring.


Now, am I crazy? Am I missing something? Has Hollywood not lost its collective ever-loving mind? Or is this simply their way of going green? No need for fresh, great for all movies, just recycle what we know can work.

Any ideas on what we can do?


Brittany Ann said...

It's so true. And it wouldn't be so bad if they weren't so darn expensive!

Rick said...

This pleasantly reminds me of something that should also be covered by Peter Griffin's "You know what really grinds my gears?" ;)